So, an account of surgery, or an account of some things that have been censored from this blog over the last weeks and months. It’s odd, but actual chest reconstruction as it relates to transition – the part where I might talk about having doubts, second thoughts, regrets, and how a flat chest makes me more of a man, more able to pass – seems less important now than do the many confronting aspects of having major surgery per se. Yes, my tits are now quite ‘masculinely contoured’; and while for the first couple of days I was in too much pain to know if it was right, which confused me, I’m starting to forget how it felt to not be this way. It feels good. Streamlined. Even with scars yet to heal and bruises still to disappear.
The deal
Now surgery is over, I can relate how I convinced the psychiatrist to let me go through with it. In November, I went back to see the original shrink who kicked me off the gender clinic program, about whom I have been publicly, and uncharitably, honest in the past. Miraculously, she got me an appointment the day after I called (usually the wait is three months). At the appointment, we went a few rounds; then she presented me with a deal. She would write a surgery approval letter for me, in exchange for, and-I-quote-verbatim, me “writing nice things about her on the Internet.” She did not specify where I was to write such nice things or what I should say; but I was to find something positive to say about the clinic. I was also to be a better patient: submit to more tests, make more of an effort to be pliable; attend follow-up appointments et cetera. She wanted to me to see an endocrinologist, in order to check if I am actually intersexed, because in her words, “You don’t look very much like a man, do you?” She thought maybe the testosterone isn’t having any effect. She said that next time, I had to bring my concerns straight to her. To all this, I agreed. I assume she sent the right letter, because the surgeon never mentioned it; but I never found out what was in the letter. (We patients don’t get copies of anything like that; we are simply the objects of the text passed from doctor to doctor –- unless, of course, we apply for copies under Freedom of Information law.)
Yes, unprofessional. Yes, Faustian. Yes, ripe for an official complaint. Indeed: at one point during our couple of rounds, she sighed heavily and exclaimed, “I’m so sick of people making complaints about me to the Medical Practitoner’s Board!” Difficult to keep one’s face straight. Afterwards, I wrote something quasi-positive to an email list I suspect her spies read. I intended to write more, but the whole thing started to get paranoid: what was enough? Where did she intend me to speak out in her defence? Should I send her printed copies? What if it wasn’t enough, and she didn’t write the proper letter? Oh insomniac spiralling trail of paranoia. So I tried to forget about it, and hope that she trusted me. If you’re reading this, Dr X, you should never have trusted me; but a psychiatrist shouldn’t make such deals with her patients. It’s manipulative. This renders the deal void. And if I turn up to your next appointment, I’ll raise my concerns with you directly. If.
excellent work by you.
and she’s just flat out wrong, you know, about the not looking like a man bit. (well, about everything, but especially that bit)
xxxx
Comment by stubbie — February 27, 2006 @ 8:49 pm
That doctor is a nasty piece of work.
A story from my mum came today - she met this (nice) doctor recently…
Dr. B’s initial introduction to the hospital where he still works:
After graduation and being offered a junior position at a hospital where the chief surgeon had a very dubious reputation, Dr. B. checked through the records of Dr. S. and was appalled to find that about 1/4 of the routine operations had ended in the death of the patient. All were very plausibly explained. As Dr. B. had to work with this surgeon he decided to take his own precautions. This included careful documentation of everything which went on in and after the operation. He went even so far as to make photocopies of all x-rays and any other documents.
Eventually, Dr. S. was required to appear before a tribunal but he claimed not to have kept any files. When Dr. B. was interviewed he acknowledged that he had made copies of all documents and x-rays relating to the surgeon’s work. The surgeon rose to his feet and said, “Yes, but they are only copies!” “No, Dr. S.” said Dr. B. “You destroyed the copies. I kept the originals”.
As with so many injustices, I gather the surgeon was sacked but because his wife was a millionairess, he found work at some other hospital some distance away……
freaky.
I hate the AMA
Comment by bean — February 27, 2006 @ 11:35 pm
“I’m so sick of people making complaints about me to the Medical Practitoner’s Board!”
Oh. My. God.
And, yeah, don’t feel guilty for a nanosecond about blowing the lid off of this manipulative bullshit.
Um. I completely understand if you’d really rather not, but do you mind if I link to this in a blog post about The Surgery (which is approaching in my life, gah) on feministe.us/blog?
Comment by piny — February 28, 2006 @ 2:19 am
hey piny, go ahead. i didn’t know you were writing a blog — that’s ace.
s: see, i don’t even know what a man looks like, according to the shrink.
Comment by Az — February 28, 2006 @ 12:35 pm
exactly - that’s my point. (and there was another obscure point buried in there about how fantastically the streamlined look suits you.)
bean said last night that it was obvious the psych only said that to hurt your feelings, because it is just such a stupid thing to say otherwise.
Comment by sorenson — March 1, 2006 @ 1:02 am
a) re: the deal … that’s obnoxious - if you can’t cope with others knowing how you’re behaving then maybe there’s something not right about it and you’re *shock horror* ashamed. Not going anywhere near commenting on professional conduct.
b) I believe I haven’t heard anyone say anything positive or complimentary about their interaction with that particular shrink - you gotta wonder if a professional has to coerce “nice things” out of clients! And it *is* coercion.
Huzzah for streamlined you! Great to hear it feels good :)
Comment by Blade — March 2, 2006 @ 3:19 am
dear aren
i am shocked that you have mentioned our super-private faustian deal in your blog. blogging about our deal was not part of our deal. however, i am willing to forgive you for this if you agree to get a short-back-and-sides haircut and write nice things about me to the medical practitioners board. this is the new deal and i hope that you will accept it.
yours faithfully
judge judy
Comment by judge judy — March 22, 2006 @ 1:21 pm
Dear JJ,
But what do I get in return?
Yours faithfully etc
Comment by Az — March 22, 2006 @ 4:53 pm
dear aren
you asked what you get in return. hmmm - good question. do you have any other surgery needs that you require a letter for? anything, really - appendix removal, heart bypass, whatever.
yours faithfully
judge judy
Comment by judge judy — March 23, 2006 @ 11:59 am
p.s. heart bypasses are very manly, you know.
Comment by judge judy — March 23, 2006 @ 12:36 pm