stratospheric
Back in thesis mode, I’m once again tied up in crazy [massively self-absorbed] theoretical knots. For the fourth time this year, I’ve lost a sense of how my chapters work, as a logical progression through particular theoretical sites. Sometimes I know exactly how it all works, but it’s a really blink and you miss it enterprise: like one of those 3D pictures. There really is no logic, actually, just a cosmetic one that looks okay in thesis plans but comes apart when I try to write it out in those required linking sentences that end up about a paragraph long. “While in Chapter Two, I argued [insert long, grammatically suspect clause], in Chapter Three I shift registers to [insert another, longer, more grammatically suspect clause].” Hysterical.
Structure, discipline, thought order… All the things I mark my first-years down for in their teensy 1500 word essays, I fail monstrously at.
I think too much. I have too many ideas, and they all shoot off into the outer atmosphere right away. It’s like when I tell people what my thesis is about, and if they’re nice they generally say, “Wow, that’s so interesting, yeah, wow,” and tell me how they’ve heard that Singapore is the gender reassignment capital of the world or whatever, random contributions to the archive of trans travel practices. This archive is busting at the seams, it’s so huge, and I have decided for some insane reason that I should be the person to file it all under headings. I’m mostly interested in the crazy stories, the tiny details, the archive; not so interested in contextualising it all, making sense of it, fitting everything in boxes. But this is what a thesis does. Or so I’ve heard. It’s like P. said, after hearing one of my ‘o-hai-here’s-a-crazy-idea-i’m-still-working-on-the-theory’ papers earlier in the year: “So exciting! Or it will be, when you tie it all down.” And the bitch is, I know this monster won’t be readable or coherent unless I do that grounding work.
It’s hard to tie down. Maybe I should just throw the whole thing out and start again.
don’t throw it out!!!
other than that, i have no words of wisdom. but i completely understand the feeling of having a structure that looks great but isn’t working for the writing. i almost feel like it would be a relief just to write whatever the hell i wanted on one ‘thing’ for as long as i could, then move on to write on another ‘thing’. and only after i’ve done that to go back and try to put the ‘things’ together into a thesis. but do you see me doing this? ha! at least you *are* writing stuff. what does your supervisor say?
and i think almost *everyone* is more interested in the crazy stories and tiny details. is there space for them to feature more in your work? or in the brilliant book you’ll publish? if this is the stuff that truly fascinates you, then is it worth trying to focus on those things more - even as a springboard for writing and structuring?
Comment by nix — October 12, 2007 @ 7:18 am
Hey Az,
When I reached a similar point in my MA thesis, wiser people than me suggested that this meant that it had reached the stage where setting the scope was now possible, because one had done enough exploration.
The solution for me was to begin to design my next research project *after* the thesis which followed on from it, and then to revise the structure. so everything which came in after then that was new or interesting got parked into the next project file (a few sentences did make their way back into thesis, but in retrospect I wish I’d kept them out because they were simply my sentimental gestures at what I wished the project had been, rather than what it was, and so they neither did the work I wanted them to, and they probably just confused people who were into the project for what it was).
Anyway, a long-winded way of saying that I think you’ve reached a milestone, so I think you’re faced with the choice of continuing to expand your project or closing it off and just getting it done as is. Personally, I’d always recommend the latter, you can always put it into the book as nix points out.
Comment by danny — October 12, 2007 @ 8:09 am
Az,
I know exactly how u feel. What can I say? I mean - how DO you structure a thesis? Organise ideas into chapters? Organise your ideas, full stop?
Those very questions are plaguing me as I sit by my computer by the window, putting my own doctoral research together - or rather, WONDERING how it will all fit together
Good luck with it all!
Comment by jay — October 12, 2007 @ 12:12 pm
Oh, I’m not gonna throw it out. Or not unless I convince myself that writing from scratch would be productive. The thing with the interesting anecdotes and crazy stories is, unless you fit them into a context that your average dunderhead will understand, they won’t be interesting. And I have great faith in the ‘thing, then another thing’ method: beucase that gives you space to figure out a whole bunch of ideas which will probably end up being connected; this is, in fact, how the connective tissues can be discovered. But you’re much earlier on in candidature than me; you still have lots of time to muck about in the sandpit.
And Danny, I’ve already begun shifting material into new project ideas! Definitely at the closing-off stage. Actually, at the show-me-the-money stage, which I believe is a close relative of the closing-off stage. How’s your writing going?
Writing is all about discipline, really. And yeah, if there was a foolproof primer somewhere on how to organise ideas, I would commit it to memory. And then, probably, tear it to shreds. Oddly enough, marking first year essays gives me quite a good idea about how to structure a piece of writing. The old example of what never to do, ever… (And sometimes, learning from students who are better at structure than I ever was or will be.)
Comment by Az — October 14, 2007 @ 2:15 pm
Maybe the first year marking is part of what’s prompting the dissatisfaction? Worth holding onto that thought because it’s a totally different scale of “structure” that is required in writing in the 1500 words… yeah, even though I’m less of a rhizome person than you, I go with that lack of discipline during the writing process, but at the organisation level I always find it good to go back through and put things in their boxes lol.
Actually, the writing’s been wiped out by recent romance and the final stages of book editing and a ridiculous lecture schedule, so kinda desperate to get back in the groove. In MLB for a pres end of November possibly, will be in touch!
Comment by danny — October 14, 2007 @ 9:04 pm
Oh, *your* thesis is killing you? Mine refuses to die. I keep catching it in the corner of my eye, lurking around corners and following me everywhere. Die, bastard, die!
Why did I get a new job in Costa Rica without finishing my thesis first? What did I do all those months before I left? I must have done something, surely.
Sorry for the whinge, it’s just that I’m at the point when not finishing is actually looking attractive. This must be how people drop out of grad school, with cool new jobs and work left at the office and new vistas to explore.
Comment by Sarapen — October 16, 2007 @ 4:23 am
Hey it’s good to hear from you, all the way from Costa Rica even! If yr thesis is still kicking around, stalking you, it sounds like maybe you still have the words in you to finish it. (And it was so promising! Or your blog accounts of it looked promising… I can’t believe how tempting it feels to apply for 9-5 public service jobs that would have seemed like a ridiculous waste of time two years ago.
Comment by Az — October 16, 2007 @ 4:34 am
Oh, it’s gonna get done if I have to pay someone to do it. Too bad you can’t pay your professors to write for you like in the Middle Ages. Okay, maybe I won’t hire someone, but I will finish it. And actually the job is related to my research - how unusual is that? The NGO I’m working for wants their website’s half-assed implementation of a blog to be fully-assed so right now I’m writing a proposal (damn bureaucracies) on what they can improve.
But I’m almost certain I wasn’t hired for my research but for my Spanish ability and for the fact that my sending organization in Canada gets more funding from the government the more people they send overseas. I’ve already got tons of observations from just one month as a worker in international development, I just need to organize my notes into actual drafts.
Anyway, you and Ange are both on my RSS feed, so I’ve been reading you even though I’m not commenting. Happy writing, etc.
Comment by Sarapen — October 17, 2007 @ 1:28 pm
good luck. it’s great to revisit your blog, thank you for the nudge.
Comment by FLK — October 18, 2007 @ 12:39 am